Transference!

Now that I have mailed off my final manuscript to the publisher for my relationship-guide for men, I spent most of yesterday continuing to work on my rewrite for my novel.  It amazes me how feelings about a situation can stay with someone for such a long time.  As a professional counselor for many years, I thought I possessed the tools to handle my emotions better and put an end to feeling so hurt and grief-stricken.  My novel, for those who don’t know, has many elements that I actually experienced a few years ago.  Though I have written it in a ficitonal manner, the thoughts and feelings of the event still haunt me even as I rewrite them. 

Initially, I wrote the novel as a method to vent my anger and sadness.  That was more than two-and-a-half years ago.  When I was finished the first time, I printed one copy and stored it away, not to be looked at again.  However, I couldn’t get it off of my mind because I believe it is a really good story.  When I pulled it down from the shelf recently, to rewrite it, I felt emotionally ready to handle it, so I thought.  For the first three-hundred pages, I was able to manage the rewrite just fine.  I have healed a lot over the past couple of years and approached the rewrite from a writer’s point of view and not as an actual character of the book.  However, yesterday, I could feel my emotions building inside of me as I wrote through the storm of that all too familiar event.  By the end of the day, I was upset, frustrated, angry, and needed to shut-down my computer and walk away from it.  I proceeded to go to the gym and workout to help relieve my emotions but found that my body was responding to them with exhaustion.  Though I completed a workout, it was a light one, far different from my normal weight-lifting routine.  When I left the gym, I felt good and relaxed which surprised me even more. 

Today, it was my goal to go back into my novel, as I am a mere ninety pages from completing the rewrite, but I could sense my anxiety rise just from thinking about it.  It was a traumatic time for me when the event actually occurred.  Though I added in many fictional scenes, the particular point of the book that I will have to face is, and was, the most difficult time of my life.  I think it will be best to give myself one more day before I go back in and face my greatest emotional challenge.  It is important to listen to your body! 

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One response to “Transference!

  1. It was a traumatic time in your life and those things don't heal easily. You have learned to deal with those thoughts and emotions on some level and when you are able to finish your rewrite you will have accomplished a significant ability to handle them on an even higher plane.

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